We get what we give

The alarm went off on my phone at 6:30am and I hit the Stop button having every intention of getting up. I fell back asleep and woke up to a 7:04am time on my clock: 34 minutes late for getting myself ready, everyone up and morning routine started before school drop off. My stomach tightened.

As I passed my son’s room, I saw he was still in bed and I brusquely said: “get dressed, we’re behind schedule this morning”.

I busied myself with trying to get all the things prepped; annoyed at myself for having slept in.

The kids were taking their time coming downstairs and I could feel the panic rising and hear the voice that said: they’re going to be late for school.

So, I loudly reminded them that they needed to hurry up to which I got an annoyed and exasperated response from my tween: “Got it mom, coming RIGHT NOW!”

As they settled into breakfast at the table, I watched my husband walk into the room and he warmly greeted them and said: “Good morning, boys”. Their faces lit up, they jumped out of their chairs and gave him a long hug.

In that moment, I was hurt. Here I was, running around, doing all the things so they wouldn’t be late for school. I was greeted with annoyance and rudeness and he was greeted with smiles, hugs and warmth.

I could feel the stories rising up:

They take me for granted;

No one appreciates me;

They love their dad more than me;

Does anyone SEE me?

And then, I heard: You get what you give.

It was a stop you in your tracks moment; a confronting and unpleasant feeling rose in my chest and I realized, I created this.

My icy tone, my annoyance at myself, the weight of the responsibility I felt, the dropping into “lack of time” mentality created the conditions I experienced.

The truth was, the boys were only 4 minutes behind schedule because they usually wake up at 7am. I was the one who was running behind and rather than manage that in my adult, I chose to make it their problem.

Life is a mirror and what was being mirrored to me was the contrast of the way I showed up versus the way my husband showed up.

Now, I could spiral into all kinds of stories about how I was the one doing it all, while he had the privilege of walking in with everything completed, but I don’t live my life that way.

Taking radical ownership and sovereignty for ourselves means we own our part; and if there is a dynamic we dislike that we are upholding or playing into, we take responsibility for changing it.

One of the core tenets of my work with women is self-leadership; it’s leadership in everything, not just the pleasant stuff.

So, if I lead, and what I am receiving is less than ideal, what do I need to do to clean up my side of the street?

If life is happening FOR me, and it’s showing me something I dislike, then what is it inviting me into?

If I, in my feminine, am naturally wired for receiving and what I am receiving is less than ideal, then what am I being invited to change?

So, I took ten minutes to gather myself and my thoughts and I said: “Hey, I started this morning off on the wrong foot. I apologize. Let’s have a do-over.”

And you know what? My boys hugged me. They thanked me for getting their breakfast and lunches ready and they left the house on time.

This is why I am so committed to this work; because I want to be the best possible human I can be and nowhere, does it matter more than in my own home, with my own children.

Now, none of this is meant to shame or diminish the very real work that is motherhood and the human I am who will make mistakes, not always show up as her best and sometimes need a do-over to get it right.

Full permission for you and for me to try again; as many times as we need to.

AND

How beautiful that I get to have this raw material to work with that always points me in the direction of Becoming my very best self.

How divinely timed that as I deepen into greater receivership and lead the women in the Becoming Membership to do the same, that I am shown I can receive in both positive and negative energy.

How grateful I am for the contrast as it always points me to where I can be more free.

It’s challenging and perfect all at the same time. And I am here for ALL of it.