The Liminal Space
What does it mean to “surrender”. Gabrielle Bernstein defines surrender not as a giving UP but a giving OVER. A recognition that our attempt to control a situation is not working and we must relinquish or surrender the outcome to a higher power. Notice, how does your body feel when you read that sentence? Are you comfortable with the concept of giving up control over a situation? Truth is, most of us aren’t; and if the role of “problem solver” is deeply embedded within your personality, then this is going to be a hard one to contemplate.
Often times, our roles (eldest child, wife, mother, sister, woman, boss) thrust us into taking care of things. We craft a life in which we falsely believe we have the ability to influence every outcome if only we take on more, do more, be more. But all of us, at some point, are faced with situations that are well beyond our control and it is in these moments that we can choose to fight and claw our way into resisting the lesson, or surrender it to a higher power.
If you know me, you know I am someone who is very comfortable placing myself in positions of responsibility and leadership. I am a “doer”, a problem solver, a take action kind of girl. I spent decades of my life pursuing and accomplishing. To me, it was about knowing what was required and taking action to get it done. This attitude served me well in my academic and professional career, as I was offered various positions and recognized for my ability to handle responsibility. When I became a wife and mother, this came with me; running a household, organizing a life, taking care of my kids, I tackled all of that with the same enthusiasm and perspective. “I’ll take care of it”, became my motto.
As women, we are almost plunged into this role aren’t we? The role of caregiver. We watch the women in our lives do it and believe this what we are meant to do too. There are so many expectations placed upon us. We are so busy trying to prove to everyone that we can “do it all” and we forget that there is no shame in admitting that sometimes we can’t. There are times when we are brought to our knees with the recognition that regardless of what we “want”, we must accept what “is”. This acceptance is where new perspectives are birthed.
When my second child was born and through my six years of mothering him, I have been given the gift of learning to trust in a power greater than myself. He has taught me so much about what it means to surrender an outcome. As I walk alongside him in his journey, I am reminded to let go of what or where I or anyone thinks he “should” be and accept where he is. My son is a boy who gets to things in his own time, at his own pace. So, living in the grey is a fact of life in our house. It’s changed me, this parenting journey. There is an allowance, a release that has to come through us if we are going to honour our children for who they are and where they’re at.
As I sit here and contemplate, I realize that there are so many instances in my life where I have been asked to leave what is known and comfortable, and had to wait for long periods of time to reach the final outcome. The liminal space; the in between, the transition, this is where our greatest growth lies. It’s hard and messy and frustrating, but there is so much beauty in the transformation.
What about you? What have the in-between spaces taught you about yourself? When you are in the grey, what comes up for you? What physical manifestation is present in your body? Are you sleepless, anxious, overwhelmed, fearful? Is your stomach in a knot? I would challenge you to observe the emotions and where they live. What can you do (exercise, breath work, journalling, speaking them out loud) to allow them to move up and out? Then get curious: why are you feeling them? Is it because you still haven’t loosened your grip on something that is totally outside of your realm of control? What part of you needs to be healed/grow in order to move into acceptance? Practice it today: think of a current situation, big or small, where you are being asked to live in the “in-between”. Resolve to experience what it means to allow something to just “be”. Be prepared to sit with the discomfort, not judge it or push it away. What is it teaching you?
Surrender requires trust and faith: Trust that things will happen as they should, not as we believe they should; and faith that there is a greater force at play in our lives that will never lead us astray. As I end this post, I’ll leave you with the words of Mother Teresa:
” May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith… May you be content knowing that you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones…It is there for each and every one of us.”
